I've spent a great portion of the last few weeks following several current events. My goal with my writing is to write songs outside of my own life. I listened to a great folk singer/songwriter on WTMD recently. His writing was incredibly refreshing because it was completely selfless and relateable because it was conveyed in a way that included everyone. There wasn't a trace of self-obsession in it. It spoke to me instead of at me, and I found myself drawn in to every word. His advice on songwriting was to choose an event and write from a point of view other than your own. This leaves incredible room for creativity and perspective. It made me think about songwriting in an entirely new way.

Obviously, given the reality of the world now, and also that I am somewhat of a cynic, there is no shortage of relevant and important topics to communicate. But there are a few that are particularly nagging me. So much so that thoughts of them are intrusive to my everyday routine. Does anyone else ever feel such a powerful NEED to confront these impossibly unavoidable feelings for the sole reason that they ARE UNAVOIDABLE? This in itself radiates through my gut that my feelings are real, and are based in reality.

Not to get all dooms-day-y, but something big (and bad) IS brewing here. "Here" being the world, not just the country. Of course, given my immediate surroundings and limited worldly experiences, my country is my immediate concern. But the importance of its connection to the larger body of the planet is not underestimated.

I am consistently amazed at the denial that human beings can adopt in the face of unpleasant news or unthinkable circumstances. I am certainly no exception to this very human instinct. It is, very literally, a form of self-preservation. Only in the case of The People of The United States vs. The Irresponsible Government of The United States, it isn't self-preservation at all. It's just the opposite.

Every day I, and I'm sure most other people who have acknowledged the very real potential fate of our future as individuals and as a nation, bear witness to people outright deny the reality in which we are living. They carry on with their often routine shopping habits, their luxurious dining experiences, they plan their investments for their new house, they fork over the plastic with the hope and confidence that the money behind it is still safe, attached to their name, and worth every bit as much as it was when it was earned. Good people, even intelligent people, carry on planning the future they had always dreamed they would have, ignoring the OBVIOUS SIGNS that the capacity for that dream is well on its way to dying. That its happening before their senses, and for whatever reason, they choose to dismiss these signs. At a certain point, it becomes difficult to distinguish the reasoning behind such denial. Some people are simply misguided or unaware, and there is a certain amount of personal responsibility in that. Some people are simply too proud. And some people maybe even simply do not care to be aware. That is tragic and foolish, but also a product of the society we live in, and helped to create.

I believe everyone in this country serves a purpose. We may be the victims in some situations, but we also have accepted and entrusted our wellbeing to the perpetrators time after time. Now, its too late to save. There was a time when "we" could have sucked the poison out and set ourselves onto a prosperous, healthy track. I think that time has passed. Now its a matter of survival rather than prosperity.

Historically, those who choose to live in denial, often don't come out of it until it is too late.

Things have been strange in my little old life lately. I need a place to do a little bit of complaining and sorting through my thoughts so here I am after over a year.

Basically, I am getting a case of the bores. I don't feel very confident in my work lately. My apprenticeship is going by quickly. I have a year left. But I feel like my progress is plateauing, and just when I think I'm approaching a break through, I am confronted with the frustration and disappointment that comes with realizing I still am not *getting it*. This is made worse by the fact that it's hair, not rocket science, and I feel instantly stupid for this reason alone. I study the haircutting DVDs and diagrams, I'm using both the TIGI and Sassoon approach to figure out which one may be more suitable for my learning style and technique, I practice independently whenever I can, as much as I can, I watch my superior's work as much as I can, taking as many detailed mental notes I can muster, but I still haven't reached a moment where it's all clicked. I've actually thought that I had a couple of times, but was corrected on many things by my superiors, and my confidence and enthusiasm plummeted as I was devoured by a personal sense of confusion and stupidity.

I find it hard to articulate these feelings of frustration to anyone, and especially my superiors, since they are trying to help me understrand as much as I am trying to understand. The thing is that I think they think they must not be teaching me properly, or that if they tell me the information in a different way, I will be able to execute a decent wearable haircut on my own, but I honestly think the problem is me. The more I think about it, the more I realize I am not a visual person. This isn't to say I can't train myself to be. Actually, thats precisely what I am doing, and thats precisely why and what is taking so long for me to *get it*. I do not have a mind for shapes. I have a mind for feelings and sounds.

Sometimes I just long for something that comes naturally to me. Something that gives me some release in the first 10 minutes of doing it rather than stress. And realizing the need for this release, and feeling the stress in my current life, and realizing that I could easily but regretfully spend the next 10 to 20 years doing this is what scares the shit out of me.

I wish I had foreseen this sort of regret. But then, if I hadn't taken this route, I suppose I would still undervalue the blessings that a harmonious lifestyle brings.

I know I am only 24, and it isn't too late to follow my dreams. I'm just a bit shaken at how quickly its all gone by. I had a chance to change direction and get in gear just a couple of years ago, and 22 seems so much younger.

I've taken steps. I just bought a guitar. I am singing again. I am writing again. And for the first time ever, I would really like to play a show. And I would like to do it by the summer. Like anything else, I'll just start by taking it a step at a time. But no bullshit this time. This is my last chance. And this time, I'm giving the chance to myself instead of someone else giving it to me. I suppose if there aren't any other breakthroughs going on in my life, this one can definitely take the cake. If only I had been in this place sooner.