Things have been strange in my little old life lately. I need a place to do a little bit of complaining and sorting through my thoughts so here I am after over a year.

Basically, I am getting a case of the bores. I don't feel very confident in my work lately. My apprenticeship is going by quickly. I have a year left. But I feel like my progress is plateauing, and just when I think I'm approaching a break through, I am confronted with the frustration and disappointment that comes with realizing I still am not *getting it*. This is made worse by the fact that it's hair, not rocket science, and I feel instantly stupid for this reason alone. I study the haircutting DVDs and diagrams, I'm using both the TIGI and Sassoon approach to figure out which one may be more suitable for my learning style and technique, I practice independently whenever I can, as much as I can, I watch my superior's work as much as I can, taking as many detailed mental notes I can muster, but I still haven't reached a moment where it's all clicked. I've actually thought that I had a couple of times, but was corrected on many things by my superiors, and my confidence and enthusiasm plummeted as I was devoured by a personal sense of confusion and stupidity.

I find it hard to articulate these feelings of frustration to anyone, and especially my superiors, since they are trying to help me understrand as much as I am trying to understand. The thing is that I think they think they must not be teaching me properly, or that if they tell me the information in a different way, I will be able to execute a decent wearable haircut on my own, but I honestly think the problem is me. The more I think about it, the more I realize I am not a visual person. This isn't to say I can't train myself to be. Actually, thats precisely what I am doing, and thats precisely why and what is taking so long for me to *get it*. I do not have a mind for shapes. I have a mind for feelings and sounds.

Sometimes I just long for something that comes naturally to me. Something that gives me some release in the first 10 minutes of doing it rather than stress. And realizing the need for this release, and feeling the stress in my current life, and realizing that I could easily but regretfully spend the next 10 to 20 years doing this is what scares the shit out of me.

I wish I had foreseen this sort of regret. But then, if I hadn't taken this route, I suppose I would still undervalue the blessings that a harmonious lifestyle brings.

I know I am only 24, and it isn't too late to follow my dreams. I'm just a bit shaken at how quickly its all gone by. I had a chance to change direction and get in gear just a couple of years ago, and 22 seems so much younger.

I've taken steps. I just bought a guitar. I am singing again. I am writing again. And for the first time ever, I would really like to play a show. And I would like to do it by the summer. Like anything else, I'll just start by taking it a step at a time. But no bullshit this time. This is my last chance. And this time, I'm giving the chance to myself instead of someone else giving it to me. I suppose if there aren't any other breakthroughs going on in my life, this one can definitely take the cake. If only I had been in this place sooner.